Sorority Row – Preview

This is a new section of HFM where we DIE-sect buzzworthy trailers of upcoming horror films in an attempt to make a prediction of how good the film will actually be, before it is released.

April 6, 2009 · 1 comment

First up on the cutting board is the trailer for the upcoming remake Sorority Row. This is the perfect trailer to kick off this new section of HFM because of a few different things:

- It set the internets ablaze when it debuted on Myspace, as it was reposted on just about every big horror site, so there is definitely a heightened interest in it.

- It’s a slasher with a lineup of rising starlets, which is probably the biggest reason why it caught everyones attention.

- Being that its a slasher, it’s uncanny resemblance to IKWYDLS caused a bit of controversy.

- Since it is a slasher, its the perfect candidate for examining the trailer with the intention of predicting the ending.

- Thanks to (what looks to be) good production quality, it is also a good candidate for taking a closer look at how well the material was handled, to try and gauge how good the movie will actually be.

**Disclaimer: This is in no way an attempt to make a final judgement of a film before viewing it. I’m simply posting my thoughts and opinions based on the material presented in the form of the promotional trailer.

X – WARNING – IMPENDING SPOILERS(?) – X

(I sliced the trailer into 80+ stills for a comprehensive examination. There is nothing here you havent seen if you have already seen the trailer. But, taking a closer look may slightly ruin the first-time viewing experience.)

Here’s the trailer if you want to follow along, or watch it afterwards:

I swear that’s Brittany Snow doing a cameo.

The trailer starts out with this select scene to convey a sense of refined institution, instilling the legacy of the sorority and those who continue the tradition of upholding the establishment, or whatever. We’re introduced to the main sisters and their house mother. Curiously, Megan (Audrina Patridge) is not present. Which could mean that either her role wasnt significant enough to be introduced here, or that her scenes precede this one and the trailer begins after her death. It doesnt actually matter, but if true, its an interesting approach for assembling the trailer.

This is not the Sorority from 1983, however, and if things are not crazy / sexy, then these girls are not interested.

I would go ahead and pick this guy as the killer, citing a motive for revenging the death of his sister (Megan), not saying Megan is in fact his sister, but the killer is later seen running around this guy. So, either im right and he’s one of two killers, making the film go out of its way to convince you he’s not, or he isnt involved at all.

Ok freeze!

Now we’re re-introduced to the girls, beginning with Megan.

“You cheat on one Theta, you cheat on every Theta.”

Nanny cam prank time!

You know things are going right when she pukes on your face.

It doesnt look like he’s really grasping the gravity of the situation.

Drinking from a glass bottle, as you laugh at Garrett? Interesting.

Okay, now he’s starting to realize she’s dead. What he doesnt realize, though, is how odd it might seem that all the girls are in such a hurry to dump the body. He must think they are just really eager to be helpful. OR, one of the girls is the girl he cheated on Megan with, and he thinks their relationship is why she is so eager to help him. Which would explain why he’s so trusting and how it could be the reason why he’s the eventual killer, along with whichever one the girl is he cheated with. The two of them killing everyone off to try and cover up the secret would be a solid M.O. But which girl is it!?!?

Okay, I’m calling shenanigans. They drove out there to dump the body into a well(?) but Chuckles McLush over there poses the option of wrapping the body in a blanket or chopping it up into pieces. Deciding to make with the chop-chop they spread out to “find sharp rocks to dismember the body with.” How in the crap would you dismember a body with a rock? Chisel it into an axe?

I can see your pelvis.

Anyway, numb nuts decides that stabbing the body with a tire iron is the most efficient way to the dismember it, beginning with the center of the torso.

Continuing the sequence of worst ideas ever, no one thinks to keep an eye on Garrett in case he happens to be the first one to find a sharp rock and make it back to the body, which isnt actually dead. Good job looking out for your sister! Not.

Garrett stabs Megan and everyone starts freaking out. Cue the cameraman to start shaking the shit out of the camera.

Good effort, but it isnt the thought that counts.

Okay, now I think we’re back to where the trailer began. The girls managed to bury the secret, along with Megan, and finally graduate.

Okay, well maybe the secret isnt completely buried.

But the guilt has definitely risen to the surface.

Either this is what girls are normally doing, all the time, or the killer is sending out a first warning.

Sweet, sweet juxtaposition.

Ahh, time to lay down and drink from a bottle. People do that. No, really, they do.

Orange you glad you didnt say Banana!?

What are you planning to do with that tire iron??

I know what you did last SEMESTER!!!11!!1!6!!!

Poof! I magically changed the tire iron into a glass bottle! And so, you finally meet your death by that which you love most.

Crap! Being stalked by a killer for trying to cover up a murder really sucks!

We’re totally not lifting this idea from Scream 2.

Okay, so the tire iron was literally retooled to make it more efficient / scarier(?) / more likely to stick if thrown, but why the spring-loaded hooks? Wouldnt that either break or at least make it harder to pull back out?

So, my theory for this shot is A: Garrett’s dead body is somehow propped up, or B: Garrett reveals himself as the killer by trying to look as freaky as possible. This IS the only other time in the trailer he is seen, after the cover-up. That is, if it even is Garrett… its a little too blurry to be 100% positive.

This looks oddly familiar.

Excruciating face plant in 3…

2…

1…

Why chase your victims around when you can just leave snare traps everywhere to use at your leisure?

Coolest. Slasher. Ever. ?. …Who is either on the drumline or a baton twirler.

Help! Guys! Im about to be stabbed with a tire iron by a dark hooded figure!

We’re not falling for that one… AGAIN.

See, this is what im talking about. Those hooks are going to rip back through without breaking or getting caught? I dont think so (without the power of movie magic.)

So this was an odd choice to make. Without her glasses, Ellie turns into a ballbusting ass kicker. Thats not what Im talking about though.

They wedged in a shot of Ellie pointing a shotgun in the fiery living room, then cut to the killer being shot at in the kitchen, which is obviously a part of the scene with Mrs. Crenshaw (Carrie Fisher) that they use as the trailer cookie. They are obviously trying to ramp up the action to match the events that crescendo toward the end of the trailer, but as to why they chose to do it this way specifically, my best guess is they either A: didnt want to reveal who the shotgun was being pointed at / or killed by it, B: They needed it to look like the shotgun is fired even though Ellie might not have fired it, or C: They didnt want to show Mrs. Crenshaw blasting away yet so it wouldnt detract from the trailer cookie’s effectiveness.

Anyway, whatever they did, they made damn sure they got plenty of hair spinning action throughout the film.

At a disadvantage.

Turning the tables.
(Is that the back of the killer’s head?)

Nothing sells a movie like spoiling the ending in the trailer.

Scream What You Did Last Summer on Sorority Row

Okay, now they’re ready to show Princess Leia kick some ass while swearing. Fisher’s got nothing on Adrienne Barbeau, though.

Flying ninja star tire iron > Shotgun.

http://thetapi-ordie.com/
Easiest url to remember, ever.

Alright alright, enough of my cynicism. Slashers are easily my favorite subgenre, and I welcome this entry with open arms. I just get irked when something with so much potential is founded on such stupid bullshit that could be fixed so easily. Why this was a higher priority on the remake list, remains to be seen. Hopefully its because someone came up with some ingenious twist that helped push this project all the way into production.

As of this post, Sorority Row is slated to be released alongside Scorcese’s atmospheric psychological thriller “Shutter Island” on October 2nd. While Shutter Island is packed full of industry topliners, unless the trailer scares Sorority Row into a release date shift, I think the kids will come out in droves to push Sorority to at least the $20mil mark.

- Wes Fierce

P.S. I Strongly encourage comments! I welcome your opinions / predictions / theories!

And now its time for… The Many Faces of Rumer Willis: